I could not have created a worse day...

If you had told me yesterday morning that my assignment was to create a bad day scenario, I don't think in my wildest dreams that I would have come up with what actually happened yesterday. Not even tucked away in the remote Calvinistic recesses on my totally depraved, pre-Christ mind could I have imagined yesterday. Here's what was supposed to happen:



Yesterday was the only day that I could travel to meet my family in MS before Christmas to spend the holidays. The kids got out of school Wednesday for the holidays and my wife was working, so it appeared to be the perfect time to take my three wild banshees to see my family and exchange gifts. Quick 2-hour trip over to MS, exchange some presents, see the fam, spend the night, and come home. Easy.



Here's what happened: I woke up yesterday to the 3 Stooges running around my living room fighting about any and everything possible. Why do they give kids a Christmas break? Isn't it enough just to give them Christmas day off and then send them back. I don't think Christmas break is about the kids, I think it's about giving the teachers a much deserved vacation. After all, I am a hard working taxpayer like everyone else. Why should I have to wake up on my day off to this kind of torture. But, I digress...



Anyway, the 3 Stooges were running around and fighting. Then, I tried to do some cleaning so my wife would not come home to a filthy house, but if you have Stooges like mine, you know the challenge to cleaning while they are in the house. It's like watching that fool standing out while the hurricane is coming in and giving you reports about how everyone else has evacuated. You only watch because you secretly hope that a 150 mile gust of wind blows and he actually flies up in the air. That's the only reason you watch. That's what cleaning the house is like with my kids in there. Total chaos.



I reported to the Stooges that they needed to pick out their clothes for the trip. I went to the dresser to get the baby's clothes and one of the knobs on the dresser drawer was missing. This is the same dresser drawer that I changed the knobs last Saturday because one was missing. The dang knobs were $5 a pop! On top of that, they don't fit right and I have to do some creative crafting to get them on. Now, one of them is missing. So I announce to the Stooges to come into the room and ask if anyone knows where the knob is. I even prefeaced it by saying, "I don't care who did it. I'm not going to whip anyone. I just want to open to the drawer. Where is the knob?" Very non-life-threatening. Now understand that my children's favorite phrases to me are "I don't know" and "Not me." One day, I am going to charge my children $1 for each time I hear those phrases. That's my college savings plan for them. I believe I can have all four year's tuition for all three by the end of the week. My question was answered by the usual phrase. All 3 Stooges said, "Not me." It's like that Family Circus cartoon by Bill Watterson where the little ghost named "Not Me" runs around the house tearing everything up.

After a little Sherlock Holmes detective work, I found out that the baby had taken the knob off, but all of a sudden he had developed amnesia and could not remember where he had put it. So I had to do some creative leverage to get the drawer open to get his clothes. Finally, all the clothes were packed and the house was about 10% clean and I was about 45 minutes late leaving so we got in the car. The drive from my my house to my mom's is about a 2 hour drive. It rained for 1 hour and 45 minutes of that drive! Not just a little rain, a hard rain. One of those "I can't believe I am actually trying to drive in this" kind of rain. Finally the rain broke about 1 mile from the MS state line.

We arrived at my mom's and greeted her and my stepfather. We were sitting around discussing when to open presents and teasing the Stooges that it would be a long time. My mom, oldest son, and I went into the kitchen for a snack and were followed by the baby, John David (or Pete as we call him.) Pete was walking by my mom's dog CJ, when the dog felt cornered and snapped at Pete. Not too viscious. Just a little snap, but right at Pete's face! He caught Pete just under the eye, opening about a 1/2 inch cut on his cheek that bled like a Mt. St. Helen's eruption. We got the bleeding to stop and tried to do some doctor work on our own, but the cut was too wide. So off to the doctor's office we go! 20 minutes after arriving at my mom's, we were on our way to the doctor to repair my son's face!

We arrived at the doctor and felt like we had a good chance of getting in quickly. Only about 8-10 patients in the doctor's office. An hour and 40 minutes later, they finally called us to a room. I told my mom that I was going to ask the doctor to give me an enema while we were in there because they were already screwing me over by making me wait almost 2 hours for a bandage and charging me $100 for it. Might as well make it worth the money. The doctor was a nice lady who looked at the cut and didn't feel like we needed stiches. They cleaned it and applied a nice steri-strip to pull the cut together. Pete was a trooper and didn't cry a bit. Tough little kid.

As we were in the doctor's office, my step-father called to tell my mom that someone had broken into my dad's house while he and my step-mother were gone. About the time that we were sitting in the doctor's office dreaming about the enema, someone threw a brick through my dad's bedroom window and climbed in. Evidenly, when my step-mom came home, she scared them away, but not before they stole her jewelry and my dad's shotgun. I hate thieves! I wish that God would enact a law of nature that anytime someone stole something from someone else that important body appendenges would suddenly fall off them. That would solve the problem pretty easy. Take the jewelry, but you'll be walking around without a nose for a while. Want to grab that telelvision? Go ahead, but you won't be needing that Viagra anymore. Just a thought God.

So after supper, I went over to my dad's house to check on him and Sophia, my step-mother. They were both upset, which I could understand. It felt kinda like they got the enema that I was expecting from my doctor's visit. I left their house and went back to open presents with my mom, about 7 hours later than when we started. After opening our presents and trying to get everything working, I heard my three-year old Pete say, "Daddy, it hurts." I looked over and he had pulled the steri-strip off his face! It was resting on his sweatpants and his cut was opened again. A 2 hour doctor's visit and $100 wasted! So at 8:30 last night, I am driving across town to 2 pharmacies looking for steri-stips to try and put his face back together. They don't sell that stuff at the Walgreen's. I found something similar and got home to find Pete asleep on the couch. I gently tried to put his face back together with this new-fangled bandage and put him to bed. However, when he got up this morning, the bandage was off his face and stuck to the pillow. Good grief!

Anyway, that was most of my day yesterday. I wouldn't have made that up for anything. It could be worse though. Pete's cut could have been his eye and much more serious. As I went through Gordo, I saw a Chevy truck upside down on the side of the road that had just wrecked. It didn't look too promising. The robbers could have stolen much more stuff or worse, could have done something to my step-mom when she came home. All in all, things could have been much worse. Even on the bad days, God's grace is sufficient.

So today is a new day. Who knows what will happen. God is soverign and I am not. Now, I got to go. I think Moe just hit Curley on the head with a baseball bat...